Three More Tips for Defusing Toxic Situations
We all deal with people who are angry, frustrated, stressed out, frightened by the uncertainties of COVID, etc., and some may be dealing with mental health challenges as well (20% of American adults have mental health issues). As difficult as it may be to deal with these people, we must remember that we too have our share of frustrations, stresses, etc.
In our first installment, we identified three ways to prevent toxic situations from developing and, should they occur, de-escalate them in a non-threatening and positive manner. First, treat other people with respect, give them explanations rather than commands and remember that others don’t see us the way we see ourselves.
These tips work not only in the classroom but with colleagues, family and friends. Here are three more tips that can help you de-escalate toxic situations:
- Get all the information
If you are relying on words alone to communicate, you are probably missing important information. Psychological research confirms much information comes from non-verbal indicators. When I tell my wife on a Saturday I’m going for a motorcycle ride instead of doing household chores, she might say “OK”. However, her eye-roll tells me “you’d better not.”
Think about your own non-verbal cues. When talking with a student, if your arms are folded, you’re checking your phone or you are looking at your watch, you are suggesting the student’s message is unimportant. Hands on your hips, finger pointing and, in some cultures, prolonged or direct eye contact may send messages you wish to avoid. Besides posture, tone is crucial.
Most complaints come because of tone. If your responses are sarcastic or made in a disinterested monotone, people will conclude you don’t care about their problems.
- Empathize
In the world of D.C. politics, it’s often said if you want a friend, get a dog. People want others to care about them. If you are dealing with an upset person, express empathy and try to recall a similar situation you experienced. We have all waited in line, not received the praise we thought we deserved or been disappointed.
Sharing your experience humanizes you; and best of all, when you’re talking, the angry person isn’t! He or she is listening, which is what you want. For instance, if you are at an office where the person in line is upset at the delay, you can relate your similar experience at the Department of Motor Vehicles (but you realized the clerks were understaffed and doing their best). Empathy can help de-escalate conflict.
- Keep your ego in check
Remember, we serve. We teach or administer as representatives of NOVA. Do not take verbal conflict personally. When you let your ego get involved, the interaction becomes a contest, with a winner and a loser. Nobody wants to be the loser! In short, ego always generates conflict.
Your self-focus and defensiveness prevent you from listening; they put you in the category described by Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. So what if a person calls you names? Remember “sticks and stones”? They can have the last word because you have the last act. And don’t think you can give someone an attitude adjustment. The belief you can change the totality of a person in a brief encounter is arrogant.
A Final Word
A big part of avoiding verbal conflict is recognizing that we are often the difficult people! Keep your ego in check, listen to the other person and establish a connection by sharing your experiences in dealing with his or her emotions.
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Lt. John Weinstein, PhD, is the commander of NOVA Police Strategic Planning and Outreach. He is a certified Verbal Judo and Crisis Intervention Team instructor. He offers this material in an entertaining 60-minute presentation, in-person or virtually to classes, clubs and workplaces.
Submitted by:
Lt. John Weinstein, NOVA PD, JWeinstein@nvcc.edu