More Tips for Defusing a Toxic Situation: Part 3

At NOVA, we have explored the causes of verbal conflict and recognized that we are often equally to blame, even if only inadvertently. Skills such as active listening, controlling your ego, explaining rather than commanding requested behavior, paying attention to non-verbal cues (including your own!), empathizing and recognizing others don’t see you like you see yourself will go a long way in promoting positive interactions.

Here are the final four tips that can improve your interactions with your students, colleagues, family members and friends.

Know when to listen
Part of treating someone with respect is listening to what they have to say. A defense attorney once advised his clients to “never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.” This is good advice. You can’t listen to identify a problem when you are talking.

You also need to understand what you’re hearing. Verbal Judo teaches practitioners listening to a rant to interject themselves into the conversation and then paraphrase what they think is upsetting the other person. For instance, a respondent might say, “Whoa. Hold on a second. You’re telling me you’re upset because… (provide the reason).” If the person’s response is “you’re darn right,” now you know the problem you must address. 

Sometimes, you’ll find there is another reason. For instance, a person may react badly to a poor grade because a family member contracted COVID and the resulting need to self-quarantine is problematic for school and work arrangements. Your ability to empathize with colleagues’ challenges and your work to help them overcome them place you in an understanding and helpful light.

Know what not to say
People who have never told someone to “calm down” are as rare as unicorns. We have all done it! However, when we say this, we suggest the angry person has a behavioral problem, which is not the best way to calm a situation. 

Similarly, consider your hidden messages when you say the following, or words to the same effect: “You wouldn’t understand” (Interpreted by the hearer as, “You’re stupid”); “What do you want me to do about it”? (“I’m not smart enough to help you”); “Because those are the rules” (“I am a robotic bureaucrat with no discretion”); “Be reasonable” (“You’re unreasonable”); “I’m not going to say this again” (Really? If you are a parent, you know you’ll say it again!)

Provide options that appeal to a person’s self-interest
We’ve already discussed the need for explanations and information. But a person may still not want to comply. In this case, provide options with the positive first. 

For instance, if someone refuses to stop using a cell phone in class, despite the prohibition in the syllabus, explain why you have the policy (it undermines the academic process by distracting you and other students). Comment that if there are extenuating circumstances, you are happy to discuss them after class. If the individual complies, you will be appreciative. If the individual still refuses, identify the negative consequences–that you’ll be forced to cancel class to the detriment of other students or you’ll need to report the person to student conduct–necessitating possible punitive measures, etc. Usually, people will choose what’s in their best interest, which, by the way, is the same behavior you’re seeking

Know when to call in backup
Sometimes, despite all your attempts to de-escalate a toxic situation, words fail. In this instance, prolonged attempts to gain compliance may actually be counterproductive and perceived as a sign of your uncertainty or weakness. At some point, you may have to take strong action, call a supervisor, etc. Knowing when to abandon words for action is learned with experience, but the above techniques are successful in most instances. 

In these days of cell phones, expect to be recorded. Professionals who explain, listen, keep their egos in check, empathize and use language designed to calm are not only effective; they look good and sound good. They need not fear accusations of ‘conduct unbecoming.’ They will also develop a reputation as a caring professional who is in the solutions business. It’s a win-win situation all the way around.

This is the final in a series by Lt. John Weinstein, PhD. Weinstein is the commander of NOVA Police Strategic Planning and Outreach. He is a certified Verbal Judo and Crisis Intervention Team instructor. He offers this material in an entertaining 60-minute presentation, in-person or virtually, to classes, clubs and workplaces. He may be reached at jweinstein@nvcc.edu.

Submitted by:
Lt. John Weinstein, NOVA PD, JWeinstein@nvcc.edu