Tag Archives: 1st Place

I’m Grateful I Didn’t Sing That to You

I’m Grateful I Didn’t Sing That to You

I’m grateful I didn’t sing this to you. You would’ve left me.

 

O

To rest. together

at the sunset

of a long, day’s ache,

with the weight

of all the tomorrows

on both shoulders,

and take in

the intoxicants

of your caress…

 

It happened when we were watching the sinking sun through our bedroom window

and just lying there you made me think of oil paintings.

Thank God I didn’t sing this to you. You would’ve left me.

Or worse, you would’ve told all your friends.

 

You make my nerves sing.

Sing more…

More than if they hadn’t been

Stripped down, bare

From heartless ex-lovers

Over and over again.

 

Perhaps I’ll discreetly record it, and pay a lawyer to give it to you in the unlikely event of my death.

Perhaps my hopeless hidden melodrama will provide some consolation. You might think: well it least I never had to worry about the look on my face when he sang THAT to me.

As silly as it sounds it’s about returning spring and you, and for now I’m calling it Sweet Exhaustion.

 

The green is coming back,

and the rain is getting softer,

and I’ll take my leave

of suffering,

and taste the air

of our sweet exhaustion…

 

– David J. Bausch, 1st Place in Poetry

Outlaw’s Call (excerpt)

Outlaw’s  Call (excerpt)

Robin of Locksley laughed and threw back his head to enjoy the warm sunlight. After two weeks of rain, it was good to see the blue sky again.

Much laughed and shook his head at Robin.

“What?” Robin asked, grinning.

“Nothing,” Much said, the sun gleaming off of his round face. “You just keep dancing about.” Much didn’t seem to be standing still either.

“Well, of course I do!” Robin exclaimed. “It’s a beautiful day! You know I can’t stand to be inside on a day like this.”

“Which is why you’ll never be a blacksmith, and I’ll never be a miller,” Much said cheerfully. “Our fathers’ professions are not for us.”

Robin nodded. “True, true,” he said. “But why worry about that on a day like today? Let’s go get the bows and Eliza and shoot some archery!”

Robin couldn’t help laughing as they ran down the lane to his family’s house. Children played in the fields, farmers shouted at each other as they worked, birds sang, and a light breeze blew. As they entered Locksley village proper, they saw women working in their gardens, the potter twirling a bowl on his wheel; and the carpenter sawing a log.

“Hey, Robin!” the carpenter called. “You looking to earn a few pennies? I got some wood that needs splitting.”

“Maybe in a few hours,” Robin said, waving at him. “Much and I are going into Sherwood first.”

The carpenter shook his head and smiled. “Ah, go off and be youngsters for a little while. But don’t forget to be back soon!”

“We won’t!” Robin called as he hurried onward.

Robin’s family’s house stood near the center of Locksley, near where the stream ran through the village. It was slightly better built than most of the houses around it, but for the most part it looked like all the others, with a thatched roof and earthen walls. A large garden stretched in front, full of herbs, vegetables, flowers, and other things that Robin didn’t know about. Robin smiled when he saw the person who did know about them kneeling in the middle of the herbs.

“Eliza!” he called.

Eliza looked up, a handful of weeds in her hand. She had long red-brown hair tied back firmly with a scrap of leather, and her brown eyes shone in the sunlight. She was not beautiful, but she was pretty enough, and Robin loved his sister with all of his heart.

“Yes, Robin?” she said, dropping the weeds she held into a pile next to her.

“Much and I were going to go shoot a little. Care to come along?”

Eliza sighed and shook her head, but her smile betrayed her. Robin grinned. Eliza was always too serious, but she did sometimes have a point. Not this time, however. “Come on!” he said. “We’ll be back in time for you to finish your weeding.”

“We’d  better be back in time for my lessons with Beth,” Eliza said, but she stood up and wiped her dirt-covered hands on her green dress, the dozens of colorful pouches she wore at her belt dangling down and making creases in the cloth.

Robin walked to the doorway and stuck his head inside. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness so he could see his father hammering away near the forge.

“Father, Eliza, Much and I are going into Sherwood,” Robin said.

His father lowered his hammer and smiled indulgently at Robin. Robin smiled back. “I couldn’t get you to stay inside if I wanted to,” his father said, stretching his huge muscles. “Very well, go have your fun. Don’t get lost”

“As if l could do that!” Robin laughed. “It’s Sherwood, Father. I’ve been roaming about there since I could walk.”

“Despite all your mother and I could do to prevent it!” his father said. “You were born for the forest, lad. Now go, shoo.” He waved his hands at Robin like a hen wife shooing chickens.

Robin grinned and grabbed his and Eliza’s bows and arrows from their place near the doorway. Much already had his, as he never went anywhere without them and the axe that hung from his belt

Much and Eliza were waiting outside. Much had grabbed their target from around the back: a simple sack stuffed with straw. Robin tossed Eliza’s bow and arrows to her.

“Let’s go!” he said.

It was a good thing, Robin reflected, that his mother and father did not mind that their only son had no interest in carrying on his father’s trade. It they had, there would be a great deal more conflict in their family. There had already been enough dissension when Eliza had announced that she was going to learn herb craft from old Beth.

It was clear where Locksley ended and Sherwood began. The transition wasn’t sudden, but you knew when it happened. The trees, aside from being much more numerous, seemed to grow in both size and majesty. The undergrowth grew thick, making it difficult to walk through if you didn’t know how to follow the natural trails.

Robin sighed happily as he led Much and Eliza down a deer trail. He loved Sherwood. It gave him a place of refuge, a place of calm, and yet it was so large that it could be a hundred other things as well. He walked rapidly until they reached one of their favorite clearings. Much ran down to the end and hung the sack up on a low-hanging branch.

“Have you heard about the sheriff’s new law about poaching?” Much asked as Robin stepped up for his first shot.

“New law? No,” Robin said as his arrow hit the exact center of the sack. A warm feeling of pride filled him. It would not be boasting to say he was the best archer in Locksley: it would be fact.

“Yes, new punishments for anyone caught poaching,” Much said as Eliza took aim. “They’re chopping off people’s hands.”

Eliza’s shot banged into the tree behind the bag as she turned to stare at Much. “Their hands?” she exclaimed.

Much nodded. “Anyone caught poaching has their left hand cut off. Anyone found killing one of the king’s deer… they’re put to death.”

Eliza closed her eyes.

“Wait,” Robin said as Much drew an arrow from his quiver. “The sheriff is ruining people’s lives just for killing a small amount of game?”

“Yep,” Much said as his arrow went through the very bottom of the sack. He looked at Robin, his eyes serious. “It’s the foresters’ jobs to enforce these laws,” he said.

Robin stared at the sack hanging from the branch. He knew Much hadn’t wanted to say that. Robin dreamed of becoming one of the king’s foresters. To him it would be the perfect life, spending most of your time wandering the forest and keeping travelers safe.

“Robin…” Eliza said.

Robin shook himself. He would think about what this meant for his future later. “No sense in worrying about it right at the moment,” he said. “Come on, let’s shoot.”

They shot until the sun was well into the west and the sack was riddled with arrow holes. They started playing games as they shot, seeing who could shoot the best while running, shoot the best patterns in the sack, or shoot while being attacked by the other two. Robin managed to win every competition they thought of. Finally, Eliza called a halt.

“If I don’t get back to the village soon Beth is going to wonder,” she said firmly. “And I really don’t want to miss anything she has to teach me.”

Robin and Much gathered up the arrows from the last round and the target before they slowly began to walk back to Locksley.

“So, Robin, are you planning on going to Nottingham Fair next time?” Much said.

Robin smiled. “Whatever for?” he asked innocently.

Much sighed in mock-exasperation. “To shoot in the archery competition, of course. What else?”

Robin grinned. “I might,” he said.

“Don’t be fooled,” Eliza said. “That’s all he’s been thinking about for nearly a fortnight.”

“Hey!” Robin exclaimed indignantly.

Eliza smiled at him. “It’s not my fault your thoughts are plainly written on your face,” she said. ‘”At least, they are for those who know you.”

Robin shrugged. “I was thinking about it,” he said seriously to Much. “I was kind of hoping that I’d win and be able to convince the sheriff to let me become a forester. But if what you’ve said about this new law is true…” he let his voice trail off. He didn’t want to be a forester if the sheriff was making them cut off people’s hands and ruin their lives.

Much shrugged. “A herald came into Wickham this morning with the news. I’m surprised one hasn’t come to Locksley yet.”

Eliza smiled. “Locksley isn’t exactly on the list of large villages,” she said wryly. “Not like Wickham.”

“Hey, Wickham isn’t exactly large, either,” Much protested.

“But it’s closer to Nottingham,” Robin pointed out. “And that’s where everything happens.”

“Not everything,” Much said. “After all, Nottingham doesn’t have you or Eliza.”

Robin grinned. “Nope, it doesn’t,” he said. ”And it doesn’t have Much either. Or Sherwood Forest!”

Robin cast aside his gloomy thoughts about the new law as they reached the edge of the village. It was still a beautiful day. “See you tomorrow!” he called to Much.

Much waved and started off down the road to Wickham.

Robin paused before entering Locksley. Even though both Eliza and Much had to go elsewhere, he was not going to get stuck inside.

“Tell Father I’m at Carpenter Joe’s house, will you?” he asked Eliza.

Eliza nodded. “You go spend the last few hours of sunlight outside,” she said with a smile.

“Of course!” Robin said. “Where else would I be?”

•••••••

“Father, do you really have to go out?” Eliza said as she held out his belt for him. Her mother stood in the doorway to the back room, a worried expression on her face.

“Yes, I do,” her father said firmly, taking his belt from Eliza.

“David, we don’t need meat,” her mother said. “We can survive without it.”

Eliza’s father sighed. “Love, Joseph and Rachel are expecting their first child sometime this month. They barely have enough to eat as it is. How will they survive when the baby gets here?”

Her mother lowered her head.

Her father walked over and gave her mother a kiss before going out the door. Her mother sighed. “Your father,” she told Eliza, “Is too stubborn for his own good.”

Eliza smiled. “I’m going to help Beth today,” she said instead of answering. “She’s going to teach me more uses of herbs.”

Her mother sighed again and shook her head. “Eliza, why do you keep going over to her house?” she asked wearily.

Eliza bit her lip. They had had this conversation hundreds of times. “I don’t want to marry,” she said. “And if I don’t marry, I want to do something to support myself instead of relying on you or Robin. Herb craft is perfect.”

“But why… oh, never mind. Go on, then.”

Eliza went out the door without saying anything more. Her mother could not understand that she just did not find any of the boys in the village interesting. None of them understood her, or her desires, to her satisfaction. Only Robin did that, and he was her brother.

The beautiful sun of the day previous had faded into clouds covering most of the sky. Eliza looked up at the clouds worriedly as she reached Beth’s hut at the edge of the village.

“It’s not going to rain,” Beth said from the garden.

Eliza started and smiled when she saw Beth sitting on a stool weeding. Beth had tucked her long white hair away in a cap. Her face was lined with wrinkles, but her old, gnarled hands were just as steady as a youngsters’.

“I’m not going to ask how you knew what I was thinking,” Eliza said. “You do it so much to me.”

“Well, it’s obvious,” Beth said. “You’re looking with a worried expression at the clouds. What else could you be thinking?”

Eliza shrugged and knelt beside Beth. Beth pointed at one of the herbs. “Arrowroot,” Eliza answered automatically. “Stops the bleeding, prevents infections. Helps cure bruising, also helps with colds and coughs.” “Good,” Beth said. She pointed at another one.

They continued like this until Beth’s entire garden had been weeded. Sometimes Beth pointed out another couple uses for herbs that Eliza had missed, other times she merely nodded.

“Beth, why is Mother so opposed to me having lessons with you?” Eliza asked as she helped Beth walk inside the hut. It was dark inside, and Eliza paused inside the doorway before heading to the table.

Beth snorted. “Is she still asking you about that?” she asked. She shook her head. “Of course she  is. All mothers want to see  their children  grow  up to be happy  and healthy. Your mother has been very happy married to David, and she doesn’t realize that you might not find happiness in the same way that she did.” Eliza nodded. “Now, tell me what you would do if someone came to you with a bee sting,” Beth said.

Beth quizzed Eliza until they had the table clean, the dishes washed, and dinner on the fire. “You’d better be going back home,” she said. “It’s getting late.”

Eliza nodded and hugged Beth before she set out back through the village. Beth had been right; it was getting late. The sun hung far in the west, and all around people were getting ready for the evening, farmers returning from the fields, the crafters packing up their tools.

Eliza bit back a sigh as Simon, one of her young suitors, fell in step beside her.

“Might I walk you home?” he asked.

Eliza forced a laugh. ”I’m almost there,” she said.

Before she could say anything else, however, she heard a scream that she recognized as her mother’s. “David!”

“Father…” Eliza broke into a run, pushing aside and dodging anyone in her way. She saw Robin and Much running from the opposite direction. In front of their house, her father lay in her mother’s lap, a blood-soaked cloth wrapped around the end of his left arm.

“No!” Eliza screamed, running to his side and gently laying his arm out. He was barely conscious from shock and blood loss. Eliza’s herb lessons from Beth were fresh in her mind. “Simon, fetch Beth!” she yelled. “Robin, get my motor and pestle! And some rags!”

Eliza paid no attention to the shouts of the villagers as she grabbed herbs out of the pouches she wore on her belt. Agrimony, Arrowroot and Calendula all stop bleeding. Arrowroot will prevent infections, and Comfrey and Plantain will help the skin knit back together. “Much, will you get some water?” Eliza asked as Robin came running with her the mortar and pestle.

She pounded her chosen herbs together until they were a soft mush and Much came back with a bucket of water. She rinsed her trembling hands off and soaked one of the rags Robin had brought in the water before putting the herbs in to make a poultice. She blinked back tears and clenched her teeth as she started unwrapping the cloth from her father’s arm, bracing herself for the flow of blood. Before too much more blood could start flowing again, she placed the poultice and bound his arm up with the rest of the rags.

Her mother held a wet rag against her father’s forehead, murmuring softly to him as Eliza worked. Now Eliza joined her, talking quietly until Beth came hobbling up.

She placed her hand on Eliza’s shoulder. “What herbs did you use?” she asked quietly.

“Arrowroot, agrimony, calendula, comfrey, and plantain,” Eliza answered absently.

“Good girl,” Beth said.”Let’s get him inside where he can rest I’ll look at his arm closer there, but I don’t  think I can do anything that you already haven’t done.” She looked at Simon, Much and Robin, who were standing uncertainly a short distance away. “Lift him inside, will you, boys?” she asked.

Eliza let them do the work of carrying her father inside. Her knees had suddenly gone weak and she collapsed onto the ground.

Beth leaned down and helped her to her feet. “Get inside and get a cool drink of water. You have done very well.”

Eliza stared hopelessly at Beth. “But his hand!” she whispered. “How will he work now?”

“Hush. Worry about that when your father can talk,” Beth picked up the bucket of water and ushered Eliza inside.

Eliza’s father lay in the inner room on the bed, his bead on his wife’s lap, his eyes clear, although pain-filled. Simon started a fire in the small fireplace.

“Are you awake now, David?” Beth asked.

“Aye, Beth,” Eliza’s father breathed. “Did you do this?” he gestured at his left arm with his right hand.

Beth smiled and shook her bead. “That was your Eliza here. She did everything as she should have.”

“You are not to use that arm for a while,” Eliza said sternly. “Probably not for at least a fortnight”

Her father smiled weakly. “We’ll see about that, daughter,” he said.

Eliza bit her lip and knelt by her father’s side as Robin sat down next to their mother. “What are we going to do now, Father?” she asked.

Her father laughed weakly. “Well, your mother can do most of the blacksmithing. I didn’t teach you my art for nothing, did I, dear?” he laughed.

Her mother smiled down at him and kissed his forehead. “No, love, you didn’t.”

Eliza took a deep breath and stared at the floor. For Robin’s sake, she didn’t want to ask her next question.

“Father,” Robin said, “What happened?”

Eliza winced.

Her father took a deep breath. “It was the king’s foresters, son,” he said quietly. “They had found one of my traps and were waiting for its owner to come back. I’m sorry.”

Eliza looked at Robin. He stared down at his hands, and his eyes were suspiciously bright. Eliza pulled herself to her feet and sat down beside her brother. She put her arm around his shoulders, and he returned her embrace, burying his face in her shoulder.

“Thank you, sister,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome, brother,” she whispered back. They always had taken turns comforting the other, throughout their entire lives.

Beth picked up Eliza’s father’s left arm, examined it for a few seconds, then gently laid it down. “You are not to use this arm at all for at least a fortnight, you understand me?” she told him.

Eliza’s father smiled wryly. “Since I know the pain that comes when one does not obey you, yes, Beth,” he said.

“How come you can tell him that but I can’t?” Eliza wanted to know.

“The advantage of age and experience.” Beth looked around and gestured at Simon, who squatted by the fire. “Come along, boy,” she said.

Simon got to his feet and looked back at Eliza and Robin, his lip trembling, before following Beth out the door.

Eliza looked at her father, who struggled to keep his eyes open. “You rest now, Father,” she said firmly. “Robin and I will leave you in peace.”

Robin obediently got up. “Heal quickly, Father,” he whispered before following Eliza outside.

Eliza leaned up against the wall of the house and closed her eyes. She was exhausted.

“Are you all right, Eliza?” Robin asked.

Eliza opened her eyes. Robin stood next to her with a concerned expression on his face. She nodded, then let Robin embrace her.

“We’ll find a way through this,” Robin said. “We’ve found a way through every hardship before.”

We haven’t had a trouble this big before, Eliza thought, but she didn’t say it. She knew from experience that Robin would just tune out negative thoughts. “I hope you’re right,” she whispered instead. “Because it’s not going to be just trouble for us, it’s going to be trouble for all of Locksley and Nottingham Shire.”

••••••••••

Robin did not look where he was going as he ran through Sherwood. He knew the forest well enough that wherever he found himself he could find his way out. And right at the moment he needed to be alone. His mother and Eliza had managed to keep him busy for the last three days, and this was the first chance he had had to escape.

His dreams of the future lay shattered. All of his hopes and expectations had vanished in an instant. He would never be a forester now, not after what the sheriff had made them do to his father. But what would he do now? He knew a little of the blacksmithing craft, but not enough to make a life out of it. And besides, he had always wanted a life where he could roam the forest at will.

“No! Please! I beg of you!” The young female voice startled Robin out of his thoughts. He turned to run towards it.

“He’s a poacher, wench. His hand goes off.”

Robin winced as he reached the edge of a clearing. Two foresters held a young man down on the ground, his right arm stretched out over a log. Two men in the blue uniform of the sheriff’s guard stood to either side, unsheathed swords in their hands. A young woman knelt before them, her long light brown hair falling free from its confines and over the bundle on her back as she pleaded with the guards. The young man’s eyes were closed and his face tight, as if he was waiting for the axe to fall.

“Please, he’s a minstrel! He can’t play without his hand. Please, I beg you, let him go!” The young woman grabbed one of the guard’s arms. Robin noticed a lute strapped across the young man’s back, supporting her claim that the man was a minstrel.

Robin knew he couldn’t just stand by and let this happen. “Do as she says,” he ordered. He stepped out from behind the tree, an arrow nocked on his bow.

The four men jerked around in surprise, the foresters letting go of the young man in their surprise. Robin winced as he saw that the young man had already been injured; his right leg was slashed open all the way up his thigh.

One of the guards drew his sword and spoke to Robin. “What’s your name, outlaw?” he asked.

Robin frowned. “Outlaw? I am no outlaw. I’m merely Robin of Locksley, and I’m preventing an injustice here.”

“You will be an outlaw for what you are doing here,” the guard said. “Take him!” The two guards charged. The foresters hung back, as if uncertain what to do.

Robin hesitated for just a second, then released his first arrow. It hit the first guardsman’s leg, and he screamed and fell onto the ground. The second guard kept coming. Robin backed up a few steps as he nocked a second arrow. The man’s face was wild with rage. Robin fired an arrow into his arm, but he kept coming. Robin winced as he drew a third arrow. The guard was just a few feet from him and raising his sword when he let his third arrow fly straight into the guard’s throat, dropping him to the ground as if felled by a falling branch.

Robin snarled at the two foresters. “Get out of here!” They started running, not even bothering to pick up the guard who rolled around on the ground in pain. Robin looked at the second guard and closed his eyes. There was no way any man could have survived that shot. Oh God. Did l just do that?

A gasp of pain from the young man brought Robin back to his senses. The young woman had dragged him out of the way of the fighting and was trying to bandage his leg.

Robin bit his lip as he examined the wound. “It’s bad,” he whispered. “The bleeding’s not stopping.” He looked at the young woman. “My sister’s an herbalist. If you want, we can carry him to Locksley and find her.”

The young woman paused and looked at the man, his face clenched with pain. “Let’s go,” she said. “You saved his hand, and thus our lives. We have to trust you.”

Robin smiled wryly. “You’re going to have to help me carry him. Can you do it?” The young woman nodded as she and Robin each supported the young man between them so that he could hop along on his uninjured leg.

“I’m Caitlin of Greenvale, and this is my brother, Alan a’ Dale.”

“Robin of Locksley,” Robin said.

“You shouldn’t have told the guards that,” Alan gasped.

Robin looked at him in confusion. “Why not?” he said.

“You’II be an outlaw now, if you weren’t already.” Alan said.

Robin looked at Alan, then back at the clearing they had just left, with a guard lying dead and another lying wounded. “Bloody hell,” he said.

••••••••••

Edward de Lacey, the Lord High Sheriff of Nottingham, surveyed the young nobleman standing before him in the audience chamber. He stifled the impulse to laugh. Thomas of Leaford stood a little shorter than Edward. He was slightly pudgy, but there were definite muscles in his arms. His eyes blazed with a light that was a match for the torches along the wall and the candles along the table. Thomas, Edward mused, was headstrong and ambitious enough to be a match for his deputy, Sir Guy of Gisbourne.

“Just why should I help you with your plan?” Edward asked smoothly. All of this was an act, of course. It would suit Edward to have Thomas as lord of Leaford rather than his brother, Sir Geoffrey. He could manipulate Thomas, as he could not Geoffrey.

“I can offer my Lord Sheriff much,” Thomas said, shifting his weight uneasily.

Edward concealed a smile. However ambitious Thomas might be, he was no match for him. “I can be your staunchest ally, open my entire coffers to your disposal, and offer my people to be your guards. All ask is that you help me put my brother in his place.”

Edward raised his eyebrows at the poison in Thomas’s voice, fighting down an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Thomas truly hated Geoffrey, but why he should hate him was something Edward had not yet figured out. He leaned back in his stone chair. “Three hundred pounds,” he said.

“Done,” Thomas said instantly.

“Fifty of your men as my guards.”

“Done.”

“Full support for me in everything I ask of you,” Edward said.

Thomas nodded. “Will that be all, my lord?” he asked.

Edward worked to keep his face blank. “Just one more thing,” he said. “I understand your cousin has recently come to stay with your family at Leaford?”

“Lady Marian of Raedburne,” Thomas said slowly. “What is it my lord requires?”

“I have heard that Lady Marian is a great beauty,” Edward said. “I would be most obliged if you would allow me to visit her frequently.”

A slow smile spread over Thomas’s face, and his eyes opened wide. “Of course, my lord,” he said.

Edward waved lazily, and Thomas bowed out of the room. Edward waited for a few minutes before he nodded to his right, where Sir Guy stood behind a tapestry. Sir Guy emerged, bowing before he took his place standing at Edward’s side.

“So, what do you think of our young friend, Gisbourne?” Edward asked, beckoning a servant to fill up his goblet of wine.

Sir Guy snorted contemptuously. “A fool,” he said. “But a fool who may prove useful.”

“True,” Edward said lazily. He watched, amused, as Gisbourne took a deep breath, obviously working up the courage to speak.

Sir Guy’s short blond hair fell across his face, and he shook it away absently. “I hope my lord intends to allow me a chance at the girl,” he said, finally.

“Of course, Gisbourne,” Edward said agreeably. “That was my intention all along.”

”But… you said…” Sir Guy stammered.

Edward laughed cruelly. “Of course I said, Gisbourne. And if you do not succeed, I might amuse myself by taking her. But Raedburne is not a large enough estate, nor is Lady Marian so wealthy that I cannot do without the money. No, Sir Guy, the first chance goes to you.”

Sir Guy bowed, obviously overwhelmed. Edward felt pleased with himself. There was nothing like earning the loyalty of your followers with a simple, meaningless gesture. “Has there been any news from our foresters?” He asked, turning his attention to the necessary chores.

“Yes,” Gisbourne said, his face darkening.

Edward frowned. “What?” he demanded.

“One of the bands had caught a poacher, a young minstrel from their description. I believe his name was Alan a’ Dale. A “Robin of Locksley” rescued him. This Robin killed both of the guards you sent with the foresters. One he killed outright, the other he wounded in the leg, but the guard has now died. The foresters fled.”

Edward sniffed. “See to it that a writ of outlawry is made for this Robin of Locksley. And punish the foresters. We can have no cowards in our service.”

“Yes, my lord,” Gisbourne bowed and left the chamber.

Edward stared around the large chamber. The law had been necessary. Poaching had been getting out of hand, and the only way to quell rebellion was with harsher punishments. This Robin would soon be caught, and that would be the end of it.

– Tuppence Van de Vaarst, 1st Place in Short Story

 

The Well-Meaning Beast

The Well-Meaning Beast

Over the course of the past three decades, there has been an often-debated, ongoing ideology that seeks to prescribe a uniform level of accountability in the American education system. This has led to numerous acts of legislation that has evolved into a medieval revolution in educational standardization. The relentless and forgivingly human need to see all forms of progress measured in numbers and statistics has developed a virtually impenetrable foundation, with its massive infrastructure spanning the social and political landscape. No Child Left Behind (NCLB) is a bureaucratic shortcut to address a problem in need of complex reforms on all levels of educational institution, demanding a massive re-appropriation of federal funding. The most common (and most widely agreed upon) concern with NCLB is the inefficient, fragmented way it has been implemented. The specifications of mandates handed down from the federal government to the individual states are often too vague to apply without a disproportionate amount of interpretation left up to unqualified state-level bureaucrats. “All states being required to submit plans that describe their achievement standards, aligned assessments, reporting procedures, and accountability systems.” (Gardener) It is the guiding principle behind this legislation that is so woefully misguided. And today one of the largest obstacles in overcoming the Nation’s educational crisis has become thissolution.

This giant snowball that has become NCLB, found its earliest ruminations in 1981, when the National Commission on Excellence in Education was tasked to review the “data and scholarly literature on the quality of learning and teaching in the Nation’s schools.” (Gardener) Their report was released in 1983, titled A Nation at Risk. The report’s “suggestions for improvement” centered around addressing areas of educational content, level of expectation, the amount of time dedicated to studies, and, of course, the  teachers themselves. The document seemed to possess the wherewithal to anticipate where the government could positively and productively affect change, and just as importantly, where it could not. Though the approach taken by proceeding administrations in the wake of A Nation at Risk did possess the ideals found in the report, it did not in practice.

This impassioned plea for bureaucratic reform illuminated the depth and dimension of America’s foundering education system. It was riddled with alarming statistics that confirmed and further defined the problem. For example: “International comparisons of student achievement reveal that on 19 academic tests American students were never first or second and, in comparison with other industrialized nations, were last seven times…Some 23 million American adults are functionally illiterate by the simplest tests of everyday reading, writing, and comprehension.”(Gardener)

Perhaps even more politically resonating, the report described the plight of our military institutions, forced to implement numerous remedial education programs to re-teach recruits the most basic curriculums, losing more financial momentum every year. The writing was most certainly on the wall, and a relentless, bipartisan political movement was born, continuously fueled by the looming specter of an intellectually decaying society, becoming so severe and malignant it threatens our national security.

The Improving America’s Schools Act of I 994 reestablished legislation introduced first by Lyndon Johnson, the Elementary and Secondary Education Act of I965 that channeled federal funding to schools with a high percentage of students below the poverty line. This policy, with the addition of the Goals 2000 Educate America Act, illustrated a new way of thinking, and a new way to focus federal education funding that included all schools, not only the disenfranchised. Both pieces of legislation were part of a natural political progression toward nation-wide uniform standardization, and No Child Left Behind was signed into law by George W. Bush in 2000. This new legislation would create a new “standard of learning” and use the threat to withhold federal funding as a method of enhanced coercion.

The deepest of the many flaws in this system is that it completely bypasses comprehension, and instead forces an emphasis on application. Students become the desired vending machines for the much-coveted answers; and a generation is sent into the world with no idea how to ask questions. Teachers are literally strong­armed into teaching toward a single test, rather than using their talents to be creative and individualized in their approaches to cultivate stronger thought processes. Even the most in-depth education analysis indicates younger students learn experientially, which illustrates why creative talent should one of the most valued traits in evaluating educators.

Another flaw has to do with a student’s test-taking ability. Kinesthetic learners and those with learning disabilities often struggle with test anxiety, and suffer from lower scores despite retaining the information, something that is ironically ignored by this legislation. The opposite is also true; students who are good test takers can get satisfactory credit when they have not truly comprehended the material.

Regulations were developed in 2002 to try to take into account the metaphysical, fleeting, and intangible nature of comprehension. Legislators loosened restrictions on curriculum, but still enforced the standardized test. If the destination at the end of every school year is the same, the learning process is every bit as suffocated as it was before, students are directed toward a single test that will decide their educational future, no matter how creative the curriculum, students are still expected to regurgitate answers for the sake of answers, and nothing else.

To supply federal funding without the proviso of standardized accountability would be an alternative that can generate better results by simply allowing substantial federal oversight to monitor how the money is distributed. New financial distribution committees could be created as a conduit between state and federal lawmakers to ensure responsible and practical application. This could be used in conjunction with Lyndon Johnson’s initiative to provide additional financial aid for under-funded schools. This would be the most beneficial way to encourage productive learning using some of the tools implemented in the past.

Real comprehension can never truly be measured; we can only instill faith and confidence in the talent of our educators, to see our youth to the other side. What is sad about this fact is that the only ones who seem to know this are the educators themselves. There is another, less-discussed obstacle that stands in the way of a more progressive approach to learning. Officials with a political stake in education (with no real educating experience) want numbers and percentages to fuel campaign advertisements and speeches.

The problem with even the few seemingly effective acts of legislation set forth in the previous century is that none of them address the change in infrastructure that is so sorely needed in a modem and enlightened society. It is vitally necessary with all the challenges we face in the twenty first centuries, to utilize all of our possible resources to fuel our education system. There a several untapped resources the government leaves in the hands of organized crime syndicates that could generate biblically astronomical revenue. The Government could shrink classes, institute permanent tutoring and mentoring programs, or provide more thorough evaluations of student comprehension by attracting more candidates to fill sorely needed teaching positions. The government could afford to pay two teachers to every class of four students. The United States could have a veritable new age of enlightenment, creating a learning society that is not only accustomed to once taboo-distractions, but a society with the tools to thirst for knowledge as no generation ever dared.

The legalization of perhaps just one of these extremely taboo industries – marijuana, narcotics, or prostitution – could transform our economic landscape. This is not the only way our government can seamlessly have the financial tools to empower our school system. Today, the government maintains publicly its commitment to church and state, yet it refuses to impose taxes on religious institutions. Unfortunately, the only practical way to implement these policies would likely have to involve succession.

The problem with a government mandate is that as soon as it enters the classroom and lays its hand on the fragile dynamic of the learning environment, it effectively poisons the well. No Child Left Behind is the most destructive piece of legislation with the most admirable of intentions; it’s like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Due to its bipartisan support, hopefully the future of our education system will not end up reminiscent of the dead mouse in Lenny’s pocket, or the young woman he suffocated in that barn.

Work Cited

United States. A Nation at Risk: The Imperative for Educational Reform: a Report to the Nation and the Secretary of Education, United States Department of Education. Washington, D.C.: National Commission on Excellence in Education, 1983.

– David J. Bausch, 1st Place in Essay

A Career Romance for Young Moderns

A Career Romance for Young Moderns

1. Iodine & Baby Oil

I was almost nine years old and bored out of my skin. It was the tail end of August, a time of year when everything that had been new and exciting about being out of school reeked of tedium, heat, and humidity. I lived in a freshly carved suburb of our nation’s capital with my parents and younger sister in a sprawling subdivision overrun by children’s detritus.

In the early 1970s, bikes and scooters decorated blacktop driveways, while brightly painted swing sets squatted in backyards with impunity. Homeowner associations did not exist. Uniformity was achieved through our adherence to a vague sense of community standards and a desire to be neighborly. Later, when standards were codified and enforced with strict scrutiny, the net result was a decrease in goodwill and a deflation of the idea of neighborliness. Atticus Finch could never be the president of the local HOA.

I grew up before HOAs, when balls bounced into the road just as slow moving cars turned onto improbably named streets such as Venice or Pioneer. Children occupied every bedroom of the tidy suburban homes whether they were colonials, ranches, or split-levels. New elementary schools sprung up every spring along with the season’s crop of daffodils. My parents were happily living the American dream, a single family house in a good neighborhood with a fine elementary school. But it was still August, school didn’t start for another two weeks and I was bored to tears.

By the end of summer the novelty of flinging myself off the high dive had worn off. My passion for the diving board died suddenly, about the same time I slipped off the slimy end and landed flat as a paper doll in the middle of the diving well. The height gave me plenty of time to contemplate the pool’s blue surface as it rushed towards me. I fell like a giant flying squirrel made of concrete; my arms and legs extended straight out towards all four points on the compass. I was too stunned to claw at the air. Jaws dropped among my fellow board jumpers and the resounding splat ricocheted around the tiled pool edge like a shotgun blast. My belly stung for hours. My friends laughed for days.

My swim buddies all bore the marks of pool veterans. Chlorine had stiffened our hair and the sun permanently overheated our brains as we sat outside day after day in the sweltering heat.  We derived our tribal identity through membership on the swim team and we wore our team suits everyday as we gathered on rickety wooden picnic tables to play cards and engage in a malicious version of tag in and around the pool compound. Our nylon suits were terminally stretched from daily wear, the colors faded from the sun and pool water chemicals. For us girls, white shoestrings tied the shoulder straps of our suits together in the back and kept our girlish chests from being exposed.  The boys had no need for shoestrings but their suits drooped and bagged low on their butts as they passed.

Card games with my fellow pool rats, so fun in June, now dissolved into the same pointless arguments every day. We shouted about points and tricks as if our lives depended on the outcome. Our twisted games of tag were executed with the same degree of organization and bloodlust as a fox hunt. Blood was always spilled; it was only a question of when and who. With practiced hands, we dipped towels in pool water and applied the dripping wrung-out tips to various scraped and trickling noses with such regularity that the adults sitting around the pool deck didn’t bother to look up from their conversations, newspapers, or discreetly covered beers. Crying and complaining were forbidden on pain of being permanently excluded from the fun.

Maybe the sun eroded our brains or the chlorine gas made us semi-stupid, but as a tribe we had our own rules and insane cus­toms. We thought umbrella shade was for babies and old people.  We wore sunglasses to make fashion statements after sunset, not to protect our eyes. The only hats we saw were baseball caps worn by farmers or truckers and because we were neither, we didn’t wear them. Sunscreen consisted of a concoction of baby oil mixed with iodine that we rubbed over our limbs in search of the perfect deep tan. The coating stained our skin and fried it. Our parents existed on the periphery of our world and never said much about our antics. It was assumed they had their own lives, separate and distinct from ours. The national obsession over health and safety hadn’t yet twisted the American psyche. It was a time when people smoked with wild abandon, seatbelts were a polite suggestion, and drunk driving was considered more comical than deadly. We all felt safe. It took decades for experts to convince us otherwise.

While my summer playmates were uniformly white and Catholic, kids from the neighborhood surrounding the swim club, I lived two neighborhoods away and pretended to be white with only marginal success. My Hispanic heritage evident in my surname and olive complexion made me stand out in an exotic way. The crisp, two-syllable Anglo-Saxon names of my friends like “Larkin” and “Wallace” had sharp and distinct sounds. My last name, “Cavazos,” combined a “v” and a “z” and sounded slurred under the best of conditions. When we compared tans by squashing our forearms together, I was always the darkest No matter how much iodine my friends poured over themselves they never tanned the way I did. They speculated about my ancestry and the fact my father never came to the pool.

I wasn’t from their neighborhood because my family had been turned down for membership by our local swim club. The official letter from the Poplar Heights Swim and Racquet Association stated they were currently full, but for a $25 deposit our name could be added to the waitlist. After Mom opened the letter, I heard her mumble to herself, then hit her network of phone friends. I took up my usual eavesdropping position at the top of the stairs while I waited for the call to go through.

“Martha, I got a letter from the pool. They’re talking about waitlist, not membership.” I imagined my mother twirling the long phone cord between her fingers.

“Four years? By then the kids will be too old.” I guessed the waitlist must be that long. Joining a pool was purely for the benefit of us kids. Mom was Lane Bryant large, did not swim and frankly did not want to put on a bathing suit, even the modest suits of the era. I had to give her credit; by joining she placed herself in an uncomfortable position. Her heavy cotton swimsuits with their reinforced zippers and front modesty panel looked hot and uncomfortable. Until my sister and I were drown-proof, she supervised us from waist-deep water in the shallow end, bobbing up and down on her toes; the baggy cotton suit pulled lower and lower over her breasts until she tugged it back in place. After we could swim, she ditched the suits for shorts and a t-shirt and joined the other mothers who gathered like crows within sight of us but out of our eavesdropping range.

The phone conversation took a change in course. I heard my mother’s voice pitch upwards. “What? Too what?” She cracked a bit on the last syllable. I perked up and held my breath to avoid missing a single word.

“Ethnic? We’re too ethnic? For God’s sake I’m whiter than Wonder Bread.” Sure, Mom was white, but my sister and I weren’t and neither was Dad. My friends informed me of this fact, not my mother.

Shortly afterwards, we joined a swim club two neighborhoods away that-cared more about generating membership revenue than the origin of our name. Years later, it dawned on me how humiliated my father must have felt. On the surface, he was a man who had provided a good life for his family: a house in the suburbs where the schools were good, summer vacations, a station wagon for my stay-at-home mom to drive. He was a home improvement salesman who paid his bills on time, worked hard, and lived a quiet life. But he couldn’t join the local swim club because he was too ethnic.

2. Soft Suburban Hands

At the end of August, days lingered like a dry cough. My younger sister and I, having worn out all decency and civility, sniped at each other with a mindless ferocity that only siblings can provoke. At breakfast I picked at a bowl of Sugar Smacks cereal and sporadically kicked Amy underneath the table. It wasn’t an even match. Too late, my shin discovered the hard leather sole of her sandals. I was barefoot.  She was only seven, but had already developed a wicked shoe obsession. For payback, I flicked soggy bits of cereal through the air with my spoon, aiming for the wall above her head.  Mom came around the corner and spotted me, mid-fling. Her quick gasp of sucked-in air inflated her like a Macy’s parade balloon. She loomed large over me and seemed to drift back and forth on an unseen breeze. I jumped to my feet, grabbed a soft yellow sponge, and rubbed the milk trails from the wall. My sister smirked and wiggled her feet admiring her shoes and reveling in my shame. I plotted my revenge from under lowered eyes.

During breaks in our bickering we assailed our mother with a chorus of, “There’s nothing to do.” Our whining didn’t move her. In fact, our complaints caused her lip to curl back, revealing several grim teeth as we trembled. We realized too late we had overplayed our hand and retribution would be swift and painful. In one motion, she swept us outside, heaved the lawn mower into a startled roar and plopped two rakes into our soft suburban hands. Mom waved her forefinger like a riot cop then turned and grasped the mower handle. She heaved the beast across the heat-scarred zoysia grass, leaving a trail of regurgitated brown grass clippings which we scraped into haphazard piles. When her back was turned, we swung our rakes wildly at each other’s legs with the teeth side outwards, determined to draw blood. We screamed ourselves hoarse arguing over who was more stupid for getting us into this mess. Hot, tired and dirty we bagged grass in a sullen silence, by morning the bags showed condensation from the warm decay. Afterwards we gingerly poked our blisters and reconsidered our strategy. Our new plan: ask to go to the library.

The library was our perfect escape. We knew it was free, a concept our mother revered. It wasn’t far from our house and we could play the education card, another quality our mother held in high esteem.  Every family worships at an altar and education was our god. The fastest way out of clearing the table or doing the dishes was to mention a staggering amount of homework, real or imagined. Bedtime was automatically pushed back if we convinced our parents the show we were watching was educational. The PBS channel was enormously popular with us after eight o’clock.

We knew the library trip was a sure thing, and my sister and I congratulated each other on our successful manipulation. It never dawned on us that a trip to the library was a small vacation for our mother too, a break in the routine, a chance to escape the monotony of child rearing and housekeeping. No, we were full of youthful pride and stupidity; we couldn’t consider her point of view. After all, she was just our mother. Only years later, when I faced endless days with my own toddler, did it occur to me how tedious motherhood could be.

3. Princess Nurse

The summer before third grade, just before I turned nine, I got hooked on a series of books about candy stripers and nurses: I found the crumbling pile of paperbacks about nurses and candy stripers tucked away in a comer of adult fiction. Their pages were yellowed and brittle with a dirty musty odor of overripe paper. I fingered them with care, afraid of separating the pages from the spine. Billed as career romances for young moderns, they were already more than twenty years old when I stumbled onto them.

I had been holed up in the back thumbing through piles of paper­ backs looking for the “good parts” when a cover caught my eye. It showed a pretty woman in a student nurse’s uniform with a darkly handsome doctor behind her, his gaze indicating either a heightened romantic interest or the instincts of a serial killer. Either way it definitely got my attention.

Within their pages the nurses were strict but kind, the doctors were always compassionate, the candy stripers were spotlessly clean and everyone who wore white was white. The stories were set in hospitals where patients never died, bled, or vomited and the wider world they lived in was exempt from violence, racism, and sexual harassment.  In other words, they were fairytales.

I loved fairytales; I couldn’t get enough of them. I read and reread all the beautiful picture books about Cinderella’s triumph over her wicked stepmother and Snow White’s care for the strange little people in the woods. I believed in Prince Charming and happily-ever-after endings. I thought the world would become mine as I twirled around a ballroom in four-inch heels and a diamond tiara. I meditated on the color and style of evening gowns and glass slippers with religious devotion. Organza or taffeta? Princess cut or A-line? These were the serious questions I contemplated for hours while staring out the car window or sitting at my desk during school.  I was true believer. If I worked hard, was kind, and had a good attitude, a prince would find me and make all my dreams come true – what a bunch of crap.

But I was nine. Vomit? Blood? Disappointment? I suspected my carefully constructed world of happy endings was a sham. I just didn’t want to know. The realization that bad things happened to people was beginning to seep into my consciousness and I didn’t like it. My family had been turned down for membership at the pool because of our race. A neighbor died of breast cancer. Little cracks were appearing in my imagined world and my reaction was to cling to fairytales.

Within the pages of my nursing romance books, the world still held only happy endings. The stories were all the same, good trumped evil, the princess (the nurse) got the prince (the doctor) but the backdrop was a hospital, not a palace. I wanted to believe in the world they portrayed. If I didn’t think about what I was reading, it was plausible that hospital patients whiled away the hours taking naps and drinking ice water from pitchers replenished by candy stripers. From my limited perspective, this made perfect sense.

The young heroine of the nursing series was Cherry Ames. She possessed tried and true American qualities I could relate to. She was intelligent enough to pursue a career, she was persistent even when obstacles were placed in her way, and she worked hard. But there were portions of those fairytales that puzzled me and caused me to have second thoughts. Cherry’s world was markedly different from mine. She reflected society’s expectations of young, white, middle-class women of the 1950s. She was groomed to perfection in a crisp white apron and a pert white cap; she was conscientious to a fault and avoided all monkey business. She adhered to the hospital’s strict hierarchical structure with reverence.

My life was different from Cherry’s. In her world there were few people of color. All the nurses and doctors were white; a walk on the wild side was an Italian pathologist who spoke with an accent. The inevitable Negro housekeeper who worked on the pediatric ward and loved children was the only representation of any color besides white. Her cheerful demeanor struck Cherry as a wonderful personality trait but I cringed.

I was growing up in the 1970s, and my fairytales were about to collide with reality. Society was changing rapidly and cultural expectations about race, women’s status, and even dress codes were evolving away from the mores of the 1950s.

On the first day of third grade I walked into my classroom saddled with an unpronounceable last name, dressed like a dork, and completely lacking in a cheerful disposition. Inexplicably, two weeks before school started, my mother decided to sew matching outfits for my sister and me. Despite my fervent prayers, she finished them just in time for our first day of school.  They weren’t just bad – they were frightfully hideous.  Mom pieced and cut yards of neon blue plaid material to make two identical dresses with matching ponchos.  The pièce de résistance was heavy gold fringe outlining the ponchos giving them a theatrical flair. My sister and I looked like we bad just ridden in from Peru on the back of a llama.

The bus ride to school was a nightmare. Matching home­ made outfits were the kiss of death by kid world standards, and the hoots and taunts had been loud and typically unimaginative. All the other girls wore either shorts or jeans; certainly nothing home­ made. The bulk of the poncho made holding onto my school sup­ plies difficult. I managed to find my desk and slouched behind it, the perfect vision of a home economic project gone wrong.   I scratched at the tight new elastic holding up the ugly white knee socks which completed my mortification. When roll was called, I knew the teacher had reached my name by the way she paused before hacking it to bits.                .

“Ca-VAY-zoss?” My third grade teacher, Ms. Phillips as she preferred to be called, scanned the room searching for someone who looked foreign.   I squirmed in my seat, trying to use the desk as camouflage as I raised my band.  The poncho slipped up my arm towards my neck and I pushed it away from my face. Politely,   I pronounced my name, but in my eagerness to please, I said it too slowly and too loudly as if I were speaking to a memory­ impaired senior citizen instead of my young teacher who wore a leather vest with tassels that screamed, “I’m groovy, man!”

I was nervous. I wanted to make a good impression. She smiled thinly as the scent of my desperation lingered in the air.  She smelled it and re-crossed legs that were visible to mid-thigh. It was the first wave of the miniskirt revolution and this was a bold fashion statement for the classroom.  My hands were slick with sweat. My neediness disgusted us both.

“Where are you from?”  She scanned my outfit and raised one eyebrow.

I did not understand the meaning behind the question. In my zeal to demonstrate my quickness and cooperation, I blurted out, “Falls Church, Virginia.”

She frowned and tried again. “What country are you from?”

I was puzzled. I completely forgot the idiotic outfit I was wearing. The answer seemed obvious to me. My reply was given in the form of a question because I had no idea why she was asking. “The United States?”

My classmates erupted in laughter.  Even the kid from India chuckled, and I wasn’t sure he spoke English.

Ms. Phillips turned red but not as red as I did. In one short exchange, I whizzed past teacher’s pet status in a free-fall dive and dropped immediately to the lowest caste, classroom pariah, without understanding why or how I got there.  Social skills were never my strong point. I stuck to my books. It was safer.

There was nothing in my nursing romance novels to prepare me for my first encounter with Ms. Phillips. In those stories, women were always addressed by the title “Miss” or “Mrs.” They did not wear miniskirts.  In fact, proper clothing was an issue they commented on constantly. In my candy striper book, a teenager named Bonnie carefully considered the appearance of the candy striper uniform before agreeing to fill out an application:  She eyed Nancy’s crisp uniform.  It was cute. With her small waist, the full skirt would be very attractive. Other female characters were complimented for being well-dressed.  Mrs. Brent, very trim in a summer weight navy blue suit, her abundant hair confined in a shiny chignon, tapped the edge of the lectern.

I studied Ms. Phillips, her long hair parted in the middle, her self-proclaimed Ms., her fringed vest, her miniskirt. Times had changed.  Cherry’s world could not coexist with Ms. Phillips’. I assumed my slouched position and wondered which world I belonged to, where would I end up.

 
– Ann Cavazos Chen, 1st Place in Essay

Up the Duff

Up the Duff

And so it would seem she’d built a cocoon…

deep in the heart of her belly.

 

Don’t let her hands fool you.

Though her palms are soft and her fingernails manicured,

the labor endured during its construction took both sweat and strain

and twists of the body that left her gasping for air.

 

Yet truth be told,

were payment offered for the mortal production

one-half of the commission is all she’d know.

 

She only goes to church for Christmas and Easter.

In her fanciest high neck dresses and with bows in her hair,

she goes go to look after her soul,

in case He actually exists.

 

But she hit her bony knees on the cool tiled floor

In the middle of an inconsequential

and otherwise boring week.

 

In a torn and faded t-shirt and cotton white panties,

she prayed over the small blue cross

as it fell from her clasp to the ceramic squares.

Head bowed, fingers intertwined,

and with pointy elbows resting on slender thighs

she begged Him instead for the symbol of subtraction.

 

There was no answer,

no heavenly exoneration.

 

She trembled as she told the more tangible him;

the him whose boots had done the knocking.

He grinned like a fish at the news

and took just two days

to walk away in those same scuffed up boots.

 

Down the road,

and many documents later,

she reaches her hand out

to empty bellied boot knockers

and sterile silk spinners.

With a gentle smile and a soul at peace,

her concluding signature sends the signal.

 

Let the butterfly bidding commence.

– Sara McClung (1st Place in Poetry)

 

The Hands of a Man

It is only September, but here in Pennsylvania there is already a chill in the air and a cold north wind beats against our windows. The thin walls of our house do nothing to warm us, and our tiny iron stove cannot heat this almost empty room. I blow on my frozen fingers to warm them as I read my book while Mama kneads dough for kalács. Though we have little, Mama tries to make Papa’s favorite sweet bread for when he comes home from a particularly hard day at the mines.

All of a sudden, we feel the ground shake beneath us and the windows rattle for a moment. Six-year-old Kati had been huddled by the stove playing with her rag doll. She runs to Mama and buries her face in her skirts. These shudders happen often, for the miners are always deepening the mine, but Kati has not yet -grown used to them. I glance at Mama, who has stopped her kneading for a moment. Though the blasts are not unusual, always we fear for Papa.

“Do you think…”I start to ask Mama. She is staring out the window in the direction of the mine. Abruptly, she turns back to her dough and whacks it across the wooden counter.

“Papa is fine,” she says fiercely. “Kati, fetch me some more flour. Go back to your book, Enri.”

My sister and I hurry to obey. I try to focus back on my science book. Papa bought it from one of the foremen whose son had no more need for it. Papa has promised me that I will one day reach my dream and become a great doctor. Mama always shakes her head and sighs when he says that, but Papa just tells me, “Ne félj álmodni, a flam.” Never be afraid to dream, my son.” I trace my fingers over a picture of a human skeleton. Maybe one day my fingers will be fixing someone’s bones.

A while later, the smell of warm kalács fills the air and I have begun trying to memorize a passage on the muscles of the hand when we hear the clip-clopping of hooves coming down the street. I look over at Mama. Her lips tighten and she thumps the dough a little harder as if to block out the sound. Kati has come to stand next to me and her little hand creeps into mine. I’m holding my breath, praying that the hooves will pass by our house.

Clip-clop. Clip-clop. They stop.

Mama rests the dough on the counter and slowly turns around. She smoothes her hands on her apron and walks to the door. Mama looks calm, but I can see her hands shaking at her sides. She opens the door and stands like a statue. Kati huddles beside me. The Black Maria has stopped outside our door, and we can see a man’s feet hanging out the back of the wagon.

“Mrs. Varga?” the driver asks. He pulls off his cap and I see his red cheeks. I remember that he played Santa Claus last Christmas and gave all of us children a stick of taffy. But he is not smiling now.

Mama looks at him with tears in her eyes. “József?” she whispers. The man just looks at the frozen ground. Mama runs to the back of the wagon.”József!” she cries. My heart feels like it has stopped beating. Papa can’t be gone! I let go of Kati and run to the wagon.

Papa is lying there, covered in dust and blood. I scramble into the wagon and kneel beside his head. His beard is no longer black but white. I run my fingers through his hair, watching the wind blow tiny clumps of dust away. Looking at him lying there, I feel empty inside. Papa cannot truly be gone! my mind is screaming. I reach out to touch his shoulder, but it feels odd, as if the bones are no longer there. I jerk my hand back and look at Mama, who’s crying softly and clutching Papa’s hand. The people  who’ve come out to see the wagon silently go back into their houses.”Mrs. Abramcyzk from next door is cradling Kati, who is sobbing in her arms.

The driver clears his throat with a guilty expression. “I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Varga.” He shifts his feet, twisting his cap in his hands. “I’ll help you carry him in now.”

Mama wipes her eyes and straightens.”lgen, yes, of course.” She closes her eyes for a moment before beckoning me. “Enri, you must help us.”

Numbly, I obey and move to the end of the wagon. I feel guilty but grateful when the man moves to carry Papa’s shoulders. Together, Mama and I lift his feet and carry him to the table in  the kitchen.

“Take Kati upstairs,” Mama commands me. Mrs. Abramcyzk gently pushes Kati in my direction. She is still sobbing. All I can do is grab her hand and tug her upstairs. I do not want to be there when they clean Papa. Tonight the men and their wives will come and pay their respects. I look over at Kati who has quieted and is now staring at the wall.

“Did Papa die because of me?” Her voice is small and scared.

I look at her, startled. “What?”

She looks at me and begins to cry again. “I stole a piece of candy yesterday an’ I was a bad girl an’ now Papa’s dead!” she wails.

I watch her helplessly before going to sit beside her. “No, Kati,” I try to soothe her. “Papa didn’t die because of you. You are a good girl.” I hesitate before patting her arm. She hiccups and burrows her face into my arms. I wrap my arms around her and rock her gently, just as I have seen Papa do after she has a nightmare. Remembering makes my chest hurt and a small tear slides down my face into Kati’s hair. We sit there for a long time before she falls asleep. It is dark when Mama comes upstairs.

“Enri.” Her voice is soft and sad. She knows I do not want to go. Mama carefully tucks Kati into bed, not wanting to wake her. She strokes my sister’s golden curls before turning to me.  It is time.”

Together we go downstairs. Already many have come, their faces solemn. Many of the women are crying and hug my mother tightly. The men shake my hand.

“Your papa was a good man,” Mr. Bercik tells me. “He was proud of you.”

I can only nod mutely. I do not know many of the men here. They are big and tall, with thick, heavy beards like Papa, but none of them smile or seem friendly. I stare at Papa’s face, seeing the wrinkles around his eyes from smiling. Papa always smiled.

I wish that I could run upstairs to Kati. They have placed candles around the room and around Papa’s body, giving it an eerie glow. His face is shadowed and hollow-looking. I pull my knees up to my chest and try to recite the muscles that are in the hand, hoping to block out the sound of wailing. It is several hours before they all leave and only Mama and I are left with Papa.

I slump in my chair a few feet away from where Papa’s cold body lies. It doesn’t seem real. I keep wondering when I am going to wake up from this dream. Mama caresses Papa’s hand and gazes at his face.

“I remember when your papa first courted me…” Mama smiles sadly. “He was a farmer’s son and brought me pink flowers every Sunday when we went to Mass. We were lucky; both our parents approved our match. We married and all was good.” Her eyes grow distant. “And then the soil turned poor and there was no work. We left Hungary and came to America. We thought we were to have a better life.” Mama laughs tearfully as she strokes Papa’s face. “Oh Jószef, how wrong we were…” She pauses for a moment as her voice breaks. “But then we had you. Jószef was so happy to have a son. He called you ‘a fény és öröm az életemben – the light and joy of my life.'” She turns to me. “He loved you so much, Enri – you and Kati.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to cry as I remember. Papa patting my head and joking that I was either outgrowing him or he was shrinking, Papa winking at me just before he would give me a penny for candy, though we had little money to spare…the memories hurt.

“You know what you must do now, Enri,” she says without looking at me. I stare down at my hands, twisting my fingers together. I feel tears forming in my eyes and I angrily blink them away.

Mama sighs and turns toward me. “Your papa wanted the world for you. He wished you to become a great man, a doctor…to save the sick.” She pauses, but I cannot bring myself to look at her, to look at Papa. She comes over and kneels beside me and lifts my chin so that I look at her.

“You must become a different man now, a fiám.” I raise my eyes to hers and slowly nod. Papa has always taught me what my duty is and now I must do it. A tear falls from Mama’s eye and I catch it in my hand.

“I will, Mama.” I try to make my voice strong. “I will make Papa proud.”

****

It’s raining as I walk to the hut near the entrance of the coal mine. I stand inside as a short, fat man with glasses peers at me from behind his desk.

“Name?”

“Enri Varga.” I stare at the floor.

“Age?” He snaps impatiently.

“Twelve, Sir,” I mumble.

“You’ll work as a breaker boy.” He huffs his way to the door and sticks his head out. “Jacobek!” He yells. A tall thin boy a little older than me saunters over. “Show Varga what to do.” He slams the door shut.

The boy turns to me with a grin. “It’s really Jakubik. Izaak Jakubik.” He sticks out a cracked and scraped hand. I shake it hesitantly. “So you’re Varga.” His tone turns sober for a moment. “Sorry to hear about your father.”

I shrug, unsure of what to say. Izaak leads me to a large noisy room where maybe twenty boys are sorting coal and breaking it into pieces. Most of the boys are a couple of years older than me but there are a lot that I know are younger than I am, even though you’re supposed to be at least twelve to work. I’ve seen most of them around, but they were almost always in the mines and Papa made sure I never worked there. Now I see why, for the air is heavy with coal dust and I start coughing as it fills my lungs.

“You’ll get used to it!” Izaak shouts over the noise. He points me to an empty seat. “You’ll work here! All you have to do is this!” He shows me how to break and sort the coal. “Make sure you keep your fingers clear of the conveyor belt or you might not have any to worry about! See you at lunch!” Slapping me on the back, he heads off to his seat on the other side of the room.

I watch him leave, wishing that I could walk out the door and run home, but the glare of the foreman tells me I had best hurry and do my job. The coal tumbles past me in its trough, shouting at me to do my work. I grab a piece of coal and try to break it against the wooden frame. The sharp edges of the coal slice the tips of my fingers, and it takes several tries before the piece breaks into two. Squeezing my injured fingers, I gaze at the coal chutes that tower above. The coal flows down to us in a never­ending stream that shows no signs of stopping.

I watch the other boys as I pick up another piece of coal. They hunch over their benches, looking only at their work. I steal a glance at Izaak. Even his face has lost its liveliness and instead he looks like all the other boys-solemn and listless. A tap on my shoulder startles me and I look up to see the glaring foreman. Quickly, I begin my work again, sighing as another piece of coal takes the place of the one I’m breaking.

****     .

Hours pass and still there is the constant drone of coal running through the troughs. Breaking the coal is hard and I work much slower than the other boys. By lunch, my fingernails are already chipped and bleeding. I show them to Izaak but he only shrugs.

“You get used to it.” He shows me his own hands, scarred and rough. I sigh as we head back into the smoky room. I try to forget my dream to become a doctor. None of that matters now. Papa is gone and it is I who must take care of Mama and Kati. And so I continue, breaking and sorting those horrible black pieces of rock.

Finally, the machines stop. The sun is only just beginning to go down, but I can barely keep my head up, I’m so tired. “C’mon,” Izaak says to me. Together we stand in line with the men and boys to get our wages. Even though I am exhausted, I can’t help but feel excited to receive my first wage.

My turn comes and I hold out trembling fingers expectantly.

“10, 20, 30, 40…there ya go. Next!” The fat man shouts.

I turn away in disbelief. Forty cents? That was all? Tears blur my eyes for a moment. How could I be a man for Mama and Kati without Papa? A tear betrays me, trickling down my blackened face. I angrily swipe it away, ashamed, even as I weep in my heart for Papa, Mama, Kati and most of all me and far-off dreams that now will never come to be for sure.

I was staring at a firefly – Photinus Coleoptera, my brain supplied from my book – when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“You did good today, Varga,” Izaak says. “You’re one of us now.” He tugs on my father’s cap. He gives me funny two-fingered salute, then saunters away. I stare after him for a moment before gazing back down at my hands.

They are blackened and bloody, doctor’s hands no more. But they are a man’s hands now. And slowly, my fingers tighten over my forty cents.

 

Elizabeth Williams (1st Place in Short Story)