EXT: HOUSE. MIDDAY.

Caution tape is wrapped around a car, with the driver’s door still open. A woman sits on the curb, wrapped in a shock blanket. DETECTIVE #1 asks the first question, DETECTIVE#2 hands her a coffee mug.

DETECTIVE #1: Tell me what you remember.

MELISSA: It all happened so fast. I- I can’t remember how it happened. But I know who did it! It was Rachel Williams! She’s a WITCH!

As she collapses into tears, both detectives look shocked. Detective #2 blocks a bystander taking video on their phone.

CUT TO: Talking Head

DETECTIVE #1: What people don’t realize is that witchcraft is still a major threat to today’s society. We’re civilized people handling this in a civilized manner.

CUT TO: A person on an inversion table while the detectives spray water in their face shouting at them.

CUT TO: Talking Head

 

DETECTIVE #1: I just want people to be able to feel safe.

EXT: RACHEL’ S APARTMENT

Detective #1 pounds on the door while Detective #2 stands by, ready for the worst.

DETECTIVE #1: Open up! It’s the police!

RACHEL opens the door and steps outside

RACHEL: What’s wrong, officer?

DETECTIVE #2:  (offended) That’s Detective to you!

DETECTIVE #1: Calm down, Bill. Miss, we have a warrant to search your apartment.

He holds out the warrant and drops it, thinking he’s handing it to her. She fumbles to catch it.

RACHEL: What? Why?

The detectives push past her and into her apartment splitting up to start the search immediately. DETECTIVE #1 finds a box of Twinkies and holds it up accusingly.

DETECTIVE #1: Well, well, well, what is this?

RACHEL: Twinkies?

DETECTIVE #2: HOW DID YOU GET THOSE? THAT COMPANY HAS BEEN EXTINCT FOR OVER SIX MONTHS!

RACHEL: I bought them before-

DETECTIVE #2: NOBODY BUYS A BOX OF TWINKIES AND DOESN’T EAT THEM IMMEDIATELY!

RACHEL: (Stammering) I heard the company was going out of business and I-

DETECTIVE #1: You heard? Or you foresaw?

The detectives exchange a glance and then proceed to arrest her.

INT: INTERROGATION ROOM

The detectives think they are hot on the trail and about to get a confession.

DETECTIVE #1: Do you know Melissa Carter?

RACHEL: Yes, she’s my coworker. Why, has something happened to her?

DETECTIVE #2: I DON”T KNOW, DID YOU MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HER?

DETECTIVE #1: Bill, calm down-

DETECTIVE #2: NO, BILL, YOU CALM DOWN! You never let me ask any questions! How is that supposed to make me feel?

DETECTIVE #1: (rubs his temple and sighs) Go on.

DETECTIVE #2: Thank you. (turns to RACHEL) Now, how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a oopsie pop?

DETECTIVE #1: BILL!

DETECTIVE #2: WHAT? I NEED TO KNOW. THE FALCON NEVER TOLD ME!

DETECTIVE #1: (points to the door) Get out.

CUT TO: Talking Head

DETECTIVE #2: (Standing against a wall, with a cigarette or a lollipop) No, I don’t regret it, there are some things that a man just needs to know.

CUT TO: INT:Interrogation room

DETECTIVE #1: So, can you describe to me what happened before Mrs. Carter got locked in her car?

RACHEL:  She got locked in her car? Is that even possible?

DETECTIVE #1: Don’t play games with me Rachel.  If you come clean now, it will all be easier on you.

RACHEL: Come clean about what?

DETECTIVE #1: You have been accused of witchcraft, and so far the evidence is pretty substantial.

RACHEL: Wait, Melissa Carter accused me of witchcraft?

DETECTIVE #1: I didn’t say that! How did you know?

RACHEL: You just brought her up, and then told me, just now. Why would she think I locked her…wait a minute. I know what happened.

DETECTIVE #1: So you admit it?

RACHEL:  Admit what?

DETECTIVE #1: That you’re a witch!

RACHEL: What? No! But I think I know how Melissa got locked in her car.

DETECTIVE #1: There is no way that this could have happened without supernatural forces.

RACHEL: Yes there is.

CUT TO: Dramatization with RACHEL’S voice-over.

RACHEL: So, Melissa is an avid recreational user of marijuana, not that I care or endorse it. She was sitting in her car in the parking lot when I was leaving work. Now, I’m not saying she was doing it, but I saw a fair amount of smoke inside when I went by. I wanted to give her back the CD I borrowed, so I gestured for her to roll down the window. She freaked out, and peeled out of the parking lot. You can see the skid marks as proof.

CUT BACK TO:  Interrogation room

DETECTIVE #1: (with disdain) You really expect me to believe that?

CUT TO: Talking Head

MELISSA:  Yeah, that’s what happened. Sorry, Rachel, my bad.

CUT TO: Talking Head

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: And how do you feel about all of this?

CREW MEMBER: Well, it’s like watching a train wreck, except you’re following the train wreck around.

CUT TO:  EXT: the Detectives blatantly ignore someone getting brutally beaten as they go to RACHEL’S  house.

INT: BATHROOM. The detectives approach the JUDGE as he stands at a urinal.

DETECTIVE #1: Judge Hoffman, can we have a word?

JUDGE: How many times do I have to tell you?  If you want to talk to me, see me in my office.

DETECTIVE #2: (thinking he’s funny) You mean this isn’t your office?

DETECTIVE #1: Shut up, Bill! Please, Judge Hoffman, this is important. We have a real case here.

JUDGE:  (sighing) What is it this time?

DETECTIVE #1: We found a witch!

The JUDGE bangs his head against the wall.

CUT TO: Talking Head

JUDGE:  I really hate those guys.

OFF-CAMERA VOICE:  So why do you keep signing warrants?

JUDGE: (cracking) I just want them to leave me ALONE! It never works… (sobs)

CUT TO: Talking Head

DETECTIVE #1: I’m feeling really good about this case. Judge Hoffman loves us. Like a father, or a papa bear. This case is going to be a piece of cake.

CUT TO: Talking Head