Introduction

Consider for a moment the notion that all beings are motivated by needs. The way they navigate their days corresponds directly to the needs that are alive within them. 

Language is a tool we can use to get our needs met. Sometimes it is an effective tool! Other times it can complicate matters! We imagine that, for you, as with us, it is not too difficult to think of times when words got us into trouble, or were harmful to another. In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, who formalized the steps of Non-Violent Communication, “We can make life miserable or wonderful for ourselves and others depending upon how we think and communicate.” 

This week, we’ll gain a familiarity with the notions as feelings and needs, and how coming to know them and how they live within us can enhance our experiences and our understanding of both ourselves and others.

The practice here is to come to see feelings as neither good nor bad, but rather as sources of information that inform us about ourselves, the states we are in, and what it is in us that those feelings are meant to communicate. What do feelings communicate?  Well, needs of course!

When feeling are a little uncomfortable, difficult to be with, or even very unpleasant, they likely point to a need that is unmet. Alternatively, those feelings that we have that are easier to be with are often clues that needs  have been met.

One way to practice awareness is to spend conscious time exploring the relationship between feelings and needs, and noticing how feelings and needs emerge within you.  

Exercises

• Feeling out a Feeling

For this activity, you’ll first want to select a feeling to focus upon. You might select one that you are feeling right now, one from the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s Feelings Inventory,  or even let the wheel decide: Feelings Wheel.

Once you have a feeling to explore, explore the following questions as a means of getting to know this feeling better:

1. 1. 1. What is your relationship to this feeling? Do you feel it regularly?
      2. What are some contexts wherein you might discover you are feeling this emotion?
      3. How do you know this feeling is alive within you? What sensations or habits might you associate with it?
      4. Do you consider this feeling a pleasant sensation? Or is it more challenging to be with? What factors shape how you experience it?
      5. How does this feeling impact your day, your work, and your relationships?

Feel free to repeat this reflective exercise for multiple feelings as you have time and interest. Consider exploring competing, seemingly contradictory feelings that emerge within you at the same time, if that’s applicable.

• Seven Steps to Strategy

For this activity you will be invited to use either a set of documents provided by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (linked below) or a set of GROK! cards.

GROK! cards can be checked out from the ACCP in CM 332 on the Annandale Campus. Select campus and location representatives also may have sets for you to check out, please check with your representative to see if theirs have arrived!

Step 1: What feeling is most alive in you right now? Select one feeling word from the GROK! Feelings Deck or the Feelings Inventory.

Step 2: What has happened or is happening in you that has brought the feeling in Step 1 to the forefront for you. Select needs from GROK! Needs Deck or the Needs Inventory to help you describe what’s contributing to your feeling. 

Step 3: What feelings do you currently associate with the word you selected in Step 1? Select as many feeling cards or words as desired. 

Step 4: Look back at the feelings observed in Step 3. What needs do you associate with those feelings specifically? Select as many needs as apply.

Step 5: If all the needs in Step 4 were met, what need in you would that meet?  Don’t over think it. Select just one need card or word. 

Step 6: What strategies do you currently practice to help you meet this need?  Select one strategy that feels like it would nurture or bring life to you. 

Step 7: How would your experience of the need in Step 6 or the feeling in Step 3 be impacted by making this strategy a priority this week?

• Seeing the Wins and the Pain Points

For this activity, you’ll be invited to focus on the feelings that are most alive within your work-context. Once again, you may use either the Feelings Inventor and Needs Inventory  the Center for Nonviolent Communication (linked below) or a set of GROK! cards (see the note in the exercise above about accessing these). 

Step 1: Select four feelings words/cards that describe emotions that are alive in you when you consider your work that you would describe as difficult to be with and/or unpleasant.

Step 2: Select four feelings words/cards that describe emotions that are alive in you when you consider your work that you would describe as easy to be with and/or pleasant.

Step 3: Reflect on the four feelings words/cards you identified as difficult to be with and/or unpleasant. Review and select needs that might be alive within your workscape to contribute to these more challenging emotions.

Step 4: Reflect on the four feelings words/cards you identified as easy to be with and/or pleasant. Review and select needs that might be met within your workplace to contribute to these feelings.

Step 5: Try to summarize the relationship between the met needs and the more welcome feelings. Try to be brief and specific with your discussion.

Step 6: Without using language that points toward judgement, diagnosis or blame, try to summarize the relationship between the unmet needs and the more challenging feelings. Try to be brief and specific with your discussion.

Step 7: Reflect on Steps 1-6. What is one concrete thing you could ask for that would help you navigate an unmet need you’ve explored?

Links

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Introduction

How many times per day do you say, “thank you?” Gratitude practices, in which we cultivate thankfulness and appreciation for the good that comes our way that we don’t always think of, are a good, valuable, and beneficial practice! Gratitude practices are those that offer intentional thanks not only for the big things, such as the obvious acts of good, of kindness, and generosity and grace that we are offered to and for us on occasion, but also for the things we take for granted, such as food, clothing, for clean water, for good friends and colleagues, and for a clear mind that can appreciate the very nature of goodness itself.

There is “thanks!” There is also “Thanks, but no.”

Gratitude can exist without accepting what is offered, and this can be considered accepting a gift to yourself. What is a generous opportunity offered by some, can feel neutral, or even burdensome to whom it is being offered. In the holiday season where so many thanks and gifts are given, it can be good to remember that we do still reserve the right to say, “thanks, but no,” and still maintain the spirit and conveyance of gratitude for what is offered. It’s a time to remember that YOU can be grateful, yet still acknowledge and be grateful for your own preferences. This holiday season, to thine own self be true!

For any “no” saying practice, there are a minimum of two steps that one must take to effectively, and actually, do it. First, one must realize that the answer to the request or offering that was made to you is, “no!” That seems like an easy thing to do, but how often do we say “yes” to things that we really don’t want, and immediately regret saying “yes” afterwards? For many of us, this happens all the time, and it does so because many people don’t think that they can say no! The second part of saying no is the actual crafting of the “no” response. This can be something that improves with practice, and the trick here is to articulate your “no” 1) clearly, 2) honestly, and 3) graciously. Considering this two stepped process, the exercises we have for you at this stop is to practice articulating your no! For this, we’ve developed the following framework which you may find helpful. We call it the R4 Method of Saying No.

Restate -> Refuse -> Reframe -> Reaffirm

Restate (The Reflection)

We begin by restating the request or question. This is done in the spirit of observation, without judgment or bias. We do this for three reasons:

• To confirm with the other person that the request or ask was heard;
• To confirm the accuracy of the request with the other person; and
• To engage in a self-check on what it is that we’re feeling as the request is stated and personalized.

Guiding Question – Will I regret saying yes to this immediately after I do? If the answer is “yes,” it’s a no!

Refuse (The Actual “No”)

When we accept or determine that the answer is “No,” how might we convey that in a way that is kind to both participants – the one offering the thing, and you as well? Clear, unambiguous options for how to communicate your “no” might include the following:

• “I personally cannot do that.”
• “That is not something I’m able to do.”
• “That won’t / doesn’t work for me.”

Reframe (The “But”)

After conveying clearly that you are unable to personally fulfill the request, it’s important to let the other person know that you do understand that what they are asking for is important to them. A “no” can be challenging to hear, and sometimes it can negatively disrupt the expectations and feelings of the other person. After all, if the request wasn’t important to them in some way, they wouldn’t be asking! You might try the following phrases to get started on what this looks like for you.

• “But I understand that it’s important to you that it gets done.”
• “But I know that this is something that you need.”
• “But I do empathize with the challenging situation that you are in.”

Reaffirm (The “And”)

Whereas we are not all here to say yes to everything, the responsibilities of our positions ask us to help in the ways that we can, with who we are, and with the knowledge and resources that we have available to us. In this light, we can reaffirm our role and position with the person making the request while also reaffirming their autonomy. We can do this using the following strategies:

• “,… and I’m willing to talk about strategies.”
• “,… and I’m happy to help you decide on what else you might be able to do.”
• “,… and I’m able to introduce you to the person who can help you with this.”
• “,… and I’m available on Monday to show you how to navigate that process.”

Feel free to use this R4 framework when crafting your no’s to the following situations!

Exercises

• Boundary with a Supervisor

You’ve been working with your supervisor closely for several months. Recently, you’ve noticed a change in the supervisor’s demeanor. Some behaviors reflect those that you were taught are rude. At times, the tone used in conversation is something you would describe as inappropriate. You requested assistance navigating a complex, and new to you, form. Your supervisor responds to your request with a short email reply: “I can’t be bothered with this right now; I’m counting on you to figure it out while I [insert import work task here].”

Using the R4 Framework, craft an email reply that you might send to your supervisor that will allow you to successfully perform your work responsibilities related to this form.

• Boundary with a Student

You’ve been working with a student for several months. You’re noticing that the student is navigating many challenges and has shared with you a number of struggles related to anxiety. In a recent conversation, the student blamed you for a challenge that had emerged and told you that you let them down and were the only person they can rely on. You wake up on Saturday morning to see two email messages from the student. The first, sent at 11 pm the prior evening asks a relatively simple question, but the second, sent at 4 am says, “See – you said you were there for me and now you’re not replying!”

Using the R4 Framework, craft an email reply that you might send to your student that will allow you to successfully navigate this relationship with your student.

• Boundary with a Colleague

You’ve been working with a colleague for several years. You have a strong working relationship and value your collaboration. Lately, however, the colleague has been calling you several times a week during work hours to talk through the challenging cases navigated that day. At the end of the call, your colleague always thanks you and tells you how much you improve the workplace because of your ability to listen and care for others. Yesterday, after such a call, you closed out your work day exhausted, unsatisfied with what you accomplished, and found yourself impatient with your loved ones at home. As soon as you log into email today, you receive a message from the same colleague. It asks you to call as soon as you see the message.

Using the R4 Framework, craft an email reply that you might send to your student that will allow you to successfully navigate this relationship with your student.

• Serving on a New Committee

Your supervisor, manager, or dean has asked you to serve on a committee. Although you would like to be helpful and supportive to your employer, you know the constraints that you already have on your time and energy, and you know that you are unable to take this on without compromising another of your job responsibilities.

Using the R4 Framework, craft an email reply that you might send to your supervisor that will allow you to successfully respond to this request.

• Stepping Down from Current Committee

For years, you have served on a campus or college committee that meets on a regular basis, and is a committee that is essential to the ongoing operations of the college. However, you have just been asked to serve on another committee that is nearer and dearer to your heart, and you need to break it to the chair of the current committee that you are stepping down to serve on this other task.

Using the R4 Framework, craft an email reply that you might send to your current committee chair that will allow you to successfully step down from this committee.

Links

• How and When to Say No
• Psychology Today
• The Gentle Art of Saying No for a Less Stressful Life

Introduction

Welcome to stillness week! Thus far, we’ve engaged in practices that call, or ask, us to do something – be that through composition, or through the tools of Non-Violent Communication. For this week, we discover balance. It’s not the balance of doing something different. Rather, it is the balance that is found in the act of not doing. It is the balance that is discovered in doing… nothing. The practice of stillness.

When considering stillness as a theme of contemplative practice, it’s natural and common to envision a formal meditation practice, including cushions and all of the infrastructure that the vision requires. As it turns out, discovering stillness requires nothing more than the honest intentions to do so, and the conviction to establish the necessary boundaries that make it happen – both with others, and with yourself. Interestingly, successfully finding the time to do nothing is unlikely, and it rarely happens by itself. Rather than finding the time, passively, we’re going to take the time, actively! If we create the conditions for stillness to arise, it is more likely to do so.

So that is the work of this stop. There are a variety of ways in which we can find stillness as a contemplative practice. If we engage with stillness, what will we find as we gaze into it as if looking at the stars.

As always, when you’ve experimented through the suggestions of this stop, complete the form below to indicate the completion of your experimentation for verification by your campus passport representative.

Exercises to Practice

• The Metta Pause

  This one is good for those times when we find ourselves in line somewhere, or when we’re simply waiting for something… at the grocery store, in the dinner line, at the gas station… any time when you’re at a state of pause while we’re waiting for someone, or something, to happen. While we’re waiting, we can pause and consider individually, or as a group, those around us. We can take a moment to make brief eye contact with them, or gaze at them in a non-attention seeking way, and as we do, we can say to ourselves a Metta phrase. These Metta phrases are statements, or offerings, of good will, and ask for nothing in return. They are simply good for goodness sake! Examples may include the following…

  • “May you be well.”
  • “May you be safe.”
  • “May you be at peace.”

  Of course, when the line starts moving, it’s good to take a moment to pause and offer this to yourself as well…

  “May I be well, may I be safe, may I be at peace.”

  I like to throw in an extra kicker on occasion… “May I be free.”

  Feel free to deploy this practice at any time, noticing how it feels to offer free loving kindness to ones you love, or complete strangers around you this holiday season! Chances are, it won’t make you feel worse. Try it out!

• Formal Sitting Posture with Mindfulness

When many of us (ourselves included) put our mind to the possibility of formal sitting meditation, we find that we often hear, or think, that it’s hard to find the time. Who has time to do nothing when there is so much something to do?! Well, it turns out that actual formal sitting meditation isn’t really “doing nothing.” Although it looks like a person is just sitting there, so much is happening on the inside to consider and observe. Although it can be used for relaxation and stress reduction, a meditation practice has so much more to offer than that! Rather than just using it as a prescription for stress relief, we encourage you to explore meditation as a part of your active day – actively sit, actively follow your breathing, actively pay attention to what is happening as it happens.

Your exploration for this offering is to engage in a practice of meditation for six consecutive days, with a sitting of no less than 10 minutes for each sit. Of course, you are totally welcome to sit for longer durations, but this will definitely serve as a starting point for a practice, with enough repetition of the practice to give you a sense of what it is like to have a meditation practice, and it will show you a bit about the challenges that you might personally face as your practice grows into a possible routine.

Also, at the end of the week, you’ll be able to say that you sat for an hour during the week, and that sounds great!

At the end of this page, you’ll find some links to some quality, reputable meditation guidelines and instructions.

• Mindful Eating and/or Drinking

This practice is a good one to try anytime you find yourself eating or drinking, which makes it perfect as an activity in the workspace! This can be practiced over a meal (lunch, presumably), with a snack, or with a cup of coffee or tea in the morning, afternoon, or evening. The task for this activity, quite simply, is to consume something – solid or liquid, with your attention being fully paid on the experience of the consuming. As you can imagine, as you engage in this experience, you won’t be grading, checking your email, or engaged in compelling conversation with another. Rather, you’ll be fully immersed – or trying to be – in the act of eating or drinking.

There is a great article about mindful eating published by the National Institutes of Health, and you can read more about it, and find the guidelines on how to engage in a simple mindful eating exercise by clicking HERE.

• Walking Meditation Posture with Mindfulness

“Practising walking meditation is to practice meditation while you walk. You walk, and you do it as if you are the happiest person in the world. And, if you can do that, you succeed in walking meditation. Because we don’t set ourselves a goal, or a particular destination, so we don’t have to hurry, because there’s nothing there for us to get. Therefore, walking is not a means. It’s an end, by itself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The third of our stops in the land of stillness is with a form of meditation that folks often do not consider as one, as it doesn’t really “look” like meditation. Rest assured; walking is definitely one of the four “official” postures of meditation! In this practice, we are definitely walking, but we are doing so not as a means to arrive at a destination, or as something to do while thinking about something else, letting the mind wander, or listening to music. Like mindful eating, when we practice walking meditation, we are attending to the totality of the sensations that arise from walking. What we might realize when we practice walking meditation is that there is actually quite a bit that can arise!

Most often, when we give advice on how to do a walking meditation, the instructions are often to simplify the practice, rather than making it more involved and complicated. Many who practice walking meditation just simply walk back and forth across a room. One benefit to engaging with this practice in such an austere way is that it provides fewer distractions that might entice us out of paying attention to the physical sensations of walking.

We’re walking. We’re simply walking and paying attention to the sensations of walking. That’s it!

We welcome you to enjoy the instructions on walking meditation from Mindful.org! As in the sitting posture instructions, try to do 10 or so minutes per day for a week so you can claim at least one hour of practice time.

Enjoy Stillness! We’re glad you stopped by!

Links

• Films

The following films are made available to NOVA employees thanks to our partnership with NOVA Libraries!

• • My Year of Living Mindfully 
  • Walk with Me

• Guided Meditations

  • Spirit Rock
  • The Insight Meditation Center
  • Instructions from Mindful.org
  • The New York Times
  • Lion’s Roar Magazine

• Other Helpful Links

  • Meditation Timer and Guided Offerings: Insight Timer
  • On Metta: Street Lovingkindness (Sharon Salzberg)
  • On Walking Meditation

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Introduction

An awful lot of self-help books start with a call to purchase a notebook. Jen Sincero opens her most recent book, Badass Habits, with this request: “Please get a new notebook and dedicate it exclusively to the work we’re about to do (no grocery lists), and start cultivating your new habits with a clean slate” (7). 

This might be great advice – the clean slate, the new opportunity. Yet we know a lot of successful folx with a collection of empty notebooks and perhaps some baggage about journaling or writing in general. Actually, allow us to be honest: despite our academic credentials, we have both been known to horde a collection of empty notebooks and we have our own baggage about writing (yes, especially Cheri who is a writing teacher!). Many people, ourselves included, freeze when they come to the page. We meet and work with a lot of people who want to use writing as a daily activity, but who also have never cultivated a generative practice that works for them and is sustainable.

What is it about journaling that can be so painful? Is it about the intimidation of the blank page? Is it about writing in general? Is it because a voice creeps up on you every time you’re alone with a writing utensil? One that tells you that you’re boring, don’t have anything interesting to say, and would probably say it poorly if you DID have something to say?

This Stop is cultivated on the premise that everyone *does* have something to say and, more importantly, that they have something they *need* to allow themselves time and space to discover, articulate, and communicate. This Stop hangs on the idea that writing is one of the most powerful, transformative skills humanity has ever invented. And you – yes even you – can use it to enrich your life.

This Stop maintains that a daily composing practice can be a transformative practice for everyone – but it’s not easy, it’s not one-size-fits-all, and it must be learned. Now you may notice a shift in that last sentence. We’ve just quietly subbed the word “writing” for “composing”. This move is intentional. What it means to write is evolving. This Stop is not about asking folx to put pen to paper. It’s about finding a means for regular expression, and some of us may discover that’s not always a text-based effort. 

Exercises

• Morning Pages

This writing exercise was made popular by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way. For over 25 years she’s been suggesting that readers of her book commit to a morning pages practice.  The practice itself is simple:  write three pages, by hand, unfiltered, each morning.  Then, she suggests that those pages be tucked away and left (largely) unread and seldom (if ever) revisited.  Undoubtedly this writing practice works. It works for her. It works for many people who have worked with her. It has worked for both of us.

You might wonder, however, what it means for the practice to “work.” They are a tool for discovery, a tool for archiving, and sometimes a tool to…well, let the brain have a temper tantrum in a low-stakes, socially acceptable place.

Even if you’ve tried a morning pages practice before, we recommend you experiment with this strategy a couple of days during the Contemplative Passport journey. As a bonus, it might help you to keep a travel log to record what you learn!

• Self Notification

In the age of smartphones, notifications might feel like a regular, perhaps even partially ignored, part of our day. Experimenting with the genre of “notification” can be powerful, however. In The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle describes the way successful pilot crews use notification language (particularly in distressing situations). He explains, “A notification is not an order or a command. It provides context, telling of something noticed, placing a spotlight on one discrete element of the world. Notifications are the humblest and most primitive form of communication, the equivalent of a child’s finger-point: I see this. Unlike commands, they carry unspoken questions: Do you agree? What else do you see? In a typical landing or takeoff, a proficient crew averages twenty notifications per minute.”

Find a method to collect notifications for yourself. You might identify a writing tablet to carry with you or even just use the notes app on your phone. Craft a bulleted list wherein you collect what you notice throughout your day. Do not capture your to-do list! Do not judge, evaluate, or filter. Simply capture what you see, feel, hear, or otherwise sense throughout your day. Focus keenly on your own felt experiences as you make your log.

At the end of the day, or perhaps the start of the next, review your notifications. What insight might you gain from paying attention to your own notification system?

• Imagined Dialogue

This practice bumps edges with the other Stops on the passport. It invites stillness and it asks you to get in touch with feelings and needs. To begin, we recommend that you obtain a soothing beverage, whatever that might be for you. Perhaps it’s a cool glass of water, a steaming cup of tea, an elegantly mixed cocktail, or even a can of Red Bull.  You do you. Next, identify 2-3 emotions that are most alive in you at the current moment.  Allow yourself space to sit quietly and enjoy your beverage. As you do, imagine your 2-3 emotions personified and sitting with you. Offer them a portion of your tasty beverage and sit together for a few more moments. When you’re ready tell them: “I’m ready to listen.”

Craft a dialogue between the emotions you’ve identified. What would they say to you? What would they have to say to one another? What would be difficult for you to hear? What would you feel that you wanted to say back to those emotions?

Remember this is your gathering. If any of those emotions get too unruly, you’re welcome to ask them to step back, take a walk around the block, or come back when a trusted confidant can be with you to hear them out.

Links

• Julia Cameron: learn more about the Artist Way and Cameron’s other writing related books, workshops and materials.
• Heart-Head-Hands: explore additional contemplative composing exercises from Beth Godbee’s entry on Contemplative Composing.
• Written Kitten: need something more to encourage you to put words on the page? Try this writing tool, which will reward you with kitten pictures after a set number of words!

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